Go Ahead, Ask The Universe. I Dare You.

Have you ever wanted something so much that it was all you could think about or talk about? I have. I wanted to be laid off so I could embark on my grandest adventure yet! I planned to sell all my belongings, buy a van, and hit the road—living the Vantastic Life!! That was my dream! But first, I needed to leave my job, which deep down terrified me. I had a great job. Well, by great, I mean it paid very, very well and had top-notch health insurance. It basically gave me everything I needed to live a stable, settled life. The only thing was, that's not what I wanted anymore.

The job I dreamed of leaving was once the job I dreamed of having. And at first, it was everything I hoped for! But over time, I changed. I grew. I wanted more. But leaving on my own accord was just too terrifying. So instead, I left it up to the universe. Yep. I prayed, over and over, that the universe would lay me off. And, well... it did.
On February 15, 2017, I was called to HR and let go. At first, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was thrilled! I called my mom first thing... she cried. She told me I had no idea what I was in for. I told her not to worry. It was all going to be great! But looking back, she was right. I had no idea what I was in for. My best-laid adventure plans turned into me living in my Jeep Wrangler for a few weeks until I finally moved back home with my parents. I allowed myself time to decompress. I taught yoga full time. I traveled to India for two months. I moved to Wyoming for a few more months. But eventually, I returned home to Michigan. Nothing about this is what I had envisioned back in 2017.
Since returning to Michigan, I’ve been a yoga instructor, a granola and brittle maker, an art director, a designer, a photographer, a freelancer, a candle maker, a caregiver, and one lost soul.

And here I am, once more asking something of the universe. But this time around, my requests are a bit different… There is a poem, a beautiful string of words, titled "Our Real Work" by Wendell Berry. It reads:

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go we have come to our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."

I have never read words that felt more true. It is reassuring in a strange way to know that at the time this poem was written, sometime in the late '70s or early '80s from what I can gather, Mr. Berry must have felt a similar sense of disorientation from his path. A sense of not being able to see the way, or even knowing if there was a way. After the passing of my father in 2023, this feeling really took hold of me. As long as I was caring for my dad, I had purpose. I had a reason to exist and things to do. But now that he’s gone, now what? What to do with my time and my days? I continue to freelance and look for full-time work, but as anyone who’s looking for work can attest, the current job market is one giant shitstorm. I could go on and on about that, but that’s another story for another day. And besides, is that really what I want? To return to the life I prayed so desperately to leave? 

So, I turn to the universe once more. Asking for help. Asking for direction. Do I dare? Clearly, the universe is one helluva force, turning daydreams into daring adventures. So, as I stumble along—another day of job applications, another day of rejection letters, another day of being professionally ghosted, another day of not knowing what the hell to do, another day of watching my savings account dwindle—I ask: Do I dare?

Do I dare ask the Universe once more for help? Once more to show me the way, to show me my path, my purpose, my reason for being? Do I dare?

HELL YES, I dare. And I dare you, too. Because if life (and Mr. Berry) has taught me anything, it's that the real adventure begins when the plan falls apart. So here I am, Universe, arms wide open, ready to embrace whatever comes next. Show me the way, and I promise to follow. Let's make some f*cking magic.

Today I am 673 days sober.