BBS is not BS

It took me a long time to realize that when someone lies to you, it’s not about you. Let me say that again… IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. 

It’s not that they don’t love you. Or care about you. Or respect you. It’s not that they mean to hurt you. But rather they lie, to not hurt themselves. Everything one does to another, rarely has anything to do with the other person at all. But rather is a reflection of how they feel towards themselves. They lie because they can’t face their own truth. They cheat because they feel they are lacking. They dodge commitment because they fear failure. Now none of this is scientific, it’s just based on my own experiences. Because most of my life, shoot - all my life, I have dated men that have lied, cheated and betrayed me. For years and years I maintained this cycle. Man after man. Lies after lies. (Yep - that is intentionally plural because I never, ever walked away after the first lie. It usually takes years of lies before I realize it's time to go) Betrayal after betrayal. Other women after other women. And every time, every man has cried and apologized and promised they loved me. Swore it up and down! And for a long time I thought, if you loved me you wouldn’t treat me like this. If you respected me, you wouldn’t lie to me. If you wanted to be with me, you would be. And heart break after heart break, I would always return. One tearful apology is all it would take. Because for me - a natural born healer and empath- I believe there is good in everyone. I can see the good. I can feel their pain. And how dare I walk away from someone in need. Someone I can help. 

I sat once in my therapists office in San Francisco and talked in depth about my love for an alcoholic, bi-polar, manic depressant, physical and emotional abuser, stalker of a man. She looked me square in the eyes and said… “You have broken-bird syndrome.” Yep. BBS. Not sure that’s an actual medical condition, but it’s what I had. And what I’ve had for years! BBS is the deep desire to help others. To take in a wounded person (a broken-bird, so to speak) with the belief that one can heal, or “fix” them. I actually bought my first house because of BBS. No joke. I bought a damn house!! Because, in my own sick mind, I thought if there was something for my also sick boyfriend to do around the house, yard work, whatever, that he would do that instead of drink, lie and cheat. I thought if I could show him a sense of normalcy that he would do normal over drinking. But he didn’t. No one ever chooses normal over anything! They never do. Because the truth is, when a person is broken, only they can heal themselves. No matter how much love, support, forgiveness you show them and no matter how many houses you buy them - unless they are ready to do the work, nothing you do can help them. Let me say that differently,  NO ONE CAN HEAL ANOTHER. ONLY YOU CAN HEAL YOU. So what’s a healer to do… um. The same damn shit! Heal themselves. Do the same hard work on yourself. So that’s what I did. I started doing the work. 

Fast forward 6 years, I’m still doing the work and fighting BBS. I still date men that lie, cheat and hurt me. (I have a lot of work to do!) But this time around, I see my patterns sooner. I’m much more aware of my tendencies and am working on nipping these habits in the bud all while creating boundaries. It’s not easy, this self-work. It’s not pleasant to look yourself in the mirror and have these tough, ugly conversations. It’s scary and lonely when you have to face your own demons and dark truths. And perhaps the hardest part of all is walking away from people you love so darn much that you actually thought you could help them. But it’s necessary. Because we all deserve to be loved without lies, hurt and betrayal. 

We all deserve honest to goodness joy and happiness. That’s what’s meant for each of us.