Shhhh… My Inner Voice Is Speaking

They say in the Bible (I think it’s in the Bible) - what’s done in the dark will be brought to the light. 

And while my darkness of drinking was very cozy and happy in the privacy of my own home, that inner voice brought it to the light. Every time I went to the liquor store. Every time I poured a drink. Every. Single. Stinking. Time. “You should quit drinking.” That’s what it would say. Like a whisper in my ear. Over and over again. “You should quit drinking.” So I did. For a short while. But it was hard. Like really hard. Like white-knuckle hard. And after a few weeks, I drank again. And it was good. Really good. 

But that voice never stops speaking until you listen. That voice kept whispering “you should quit drinking.” So again, I quit. And again, I drank. And I’d quit. And I’d drink. Back and forth like this for years… until recently.

This time, I just quit. This time, there was no plan. There was no quit date set or some big farewell drink. I just stopped drinking. January 11, 2020. One lonely beer on one simple Saturday night. And then Sunday came. No drinking. And then Monday. Still no drinking. And then Tuesday. And shoot, if I can go three days - lets try a week. And then two weeks. And then three… fast forward to almost thirteen weeks. Holy cow! How’d that happen??!! And the best part… I haven’t looked back. Strangely, I haven’t gone through the longings and cravings. I haven’t white-knuckled it this time. This time, it’s been good. Really good. And I’m happy. Really happy. I think the difference this time around was that I was finally really ready to quit. Yep. I was finally willing to trust my inner voice, and I just let go.

Because the truth is, despite all my drinking, I never hit a rock bottom. And I guess sometimes you don’t. Even though it might be easier to understand if I had… she was sleeping on the streets with a brown paper bag… she lost her home, her job…  but no. I just had a voice in my head. And too damn much drinking. And how do you explain to others your inner voice, your soul speaking to you? Why am I so damn worried about others? I think that’s the real question here. But I think that’s also what keeps us in fear and perhaps keeps us in our unhealthy habits. The fear of what others will think. Because the truth is, when you quit drinking - people want to know WHY?! People don’t give a shit if you quit dairy or don’t eat meat or you skip the mushrooms. No. No one cares that you don’t eat eggs. But as soon as you say you don’t drink, a collective gasp fills the air and instantly everyone wants to know why.

I think maybe it’s because quitting drinking, without looking like the hobo drunk, scares people. Because if little old me can have a problem, then why can’t little old you? And maybe you do, but you aren’t willing to see it. Maybe you’ve heard that same voice but don’t want to listen. But now that I’ve quit, it’s got you questioning your habits. Do you have a problem? Do you need to quit? Nah… I can quit anytime! La-lala… she’s the one with the problem! And you know what, you’re right. I am the one with the problem. This is not about anyone else but me. And I won’t apologize if my not drinking makes you uncomfortable, it’s not meant to. But please don’t make me justify why I’m choosing this for myself. Because the truth is, sometimes it’s not so easy to explain. Sometimes, it’s simply that inner voice, your soul - speaking to you. Telling you what path to follow. And just because I’ve chosen to follow my soul instead of the crowd, does not mean I’m a drunk. Or an alcoholic. Or a bad person. It simple means I’ll do me. And you do you.