Hello Sobriety

Yep. Thats right. Run. As in lace up your trainers and hit the trails, the road, the treadmill, whatever. Just hit it. One foot in front of the other. One stride at a time. Just run. Several years ago, eight to be exact, I was living in Chicago. I had a really great job at a global advertising agency (even though at the time, I was much less appreciative), my own condo, and a solid yoga and running practice. I ran most mornings at 5am before going to work.And would end most evenings with a hot yoga practice and, ahem, a bottle of wine if the mood hit… But this story is more about running than drinking… so let’s get back on track. Overall, life was really good. My running was solid. Like super solid. At one point, I even ran an accidental half marathon (you read that correctly. An accidental 13.1 miles.) I was feeling strong. I could lace up my sneakers without any doubt that I couldn’t finish the run I set out to do. All in all, life was good. Fast forward to today… I’ve been laid off....

A few years ago, I spent two months in India. Six weeks living in an Ashram in Rishikesh, studying and practicing yoga. And the last two were spent traveling around a bit before returning to home to the states. While there, I met with two astrologists. Astrologists are big in India. After all, in India, astrology is regarded more as a science, presumably on par with biology, astronomy and physics. But that’s not what this is about… back to my readings. Both astrologists were in Rishikesh but non-related. As a matter of fact, one was the owner of a jewelry shop that I had just happened upon and while chatting, he took my hand and began reading me. Both astrologists told me many things that were wildly accurate. With absolutely no way for them to have known that about me. I mean, come on, I’m an American in India for crying out loud. They have truly never met me, nor had they ever met anyone who knew me. But still. They were point on with many specific and accurate statements (some way t...

They say in the Bible (I think it’s in the Bible) - what’s done in the dark will be brought to the light .  And while my darkness of drinking was very cozy and happy in the privacy of my own home, that inner voice brought it to the light. Every time I went to the liquor store. Every time I poured a drink. Every. Single. Stinking. Time. “You should quit drinking.” That’s what it would say. Like a whisper in my ear. Over and over again. “You should quit drinking.” So I did. For a short while. But it was hard. Like really hard. Like white-knuckle hard. And after a few weeks, I drank again. And it was good. Really good.   But that voice never stops speaking until you listen. That voice kept whispering “you should quit drinking.” So again, I quit. And again, I drank. And I’d quit. And I’d drink. Back and forth like this for years… until recently. This time, I just quit. This time, there was no plan. There was no quit date set or some big farewell drink. I just stopped ...

As of today, I've been alcohol-free for forty-six days. (Woot! Woot!) And to be quite honest, it's been incredible!! I rarely, almost never, have the desire to drink. I even went on a date the other night where he ordered a glass of wine. I ordered tea. He offered me a sip to share how disappointing the wine was and I kindly declined. He gave me kudos for my self discipline, I proudly accepted the kudos... we have a second date... but I digress. Drinking Dreams!! So twice now I've dreamt of drinking. Both within a few days of each other. In the first dream I was drinking beer... which I hardly ever even drank in real life! The second was wine... a bit more accurate. I remember in both dreams being fully aware of my promise to sobriety. And I knew I was breaking that promise. I remember saying "it's okay. I can drink now and again. It's cool." I also remember an over-whelming sense of guilt the moment the alcohol passed my lips. A sudden sense of FUCK! Fu...

It's you D20, isn't it?? You're what's causing all these crazy emotions, aren't you?? The over-the-moon happiness as I sit on the couch, quickly followed by the uncontrollable stream of tears as I walk Bodhi. This is the emotional roller coaster of the first month of sobriety. I remember you well from a year ago. Same shit, different day, some might say. Here's how it went last time... rewind to October 2014 when I first embarked on a three-month sobriety stint. I was about two weeks in and struggling with absolute exhaustion. I couldn't keep my eyes open (turns out I had a severe iron deficiency... but that's another story for another day.) When I was able to keep my eyes open for more than a minute, I cried. All the time. In the shower. At the market. In the car. And for no apparent reason. I mean, anything and everything would send me off into a blubbering world of water-works. Eventually it passed and I made it through the introductory dark side, whe...