Hello Sobriety

Fair enough. Maybe I didn't need to swear or repeat myself, but I need to be super clear, and sometimes swearing (and repeating) helps. DO THE FUCKING WORK. Okay, fine. I’ll do the work. But first, what does that even mean? "Do the work"? What work? When I first quit drinking, I immersed myself in podcasts, mostly about AA and its members sharing their stories. One phrase echoed repeatedly: “doing the steps.” For me, as a non-AA member (but still a damn, dumb drinker all the same), this translated to “do the work.” But again, what was that? In AA, it’s clearly defined. Everyone knows the steps and the order in which to do them. But if you aren’t in AA and you understand “steps” as “work,” then what? This is my loose interpretation of what it means when someone tells you to “do the work” in early, mid, and forever sobriety. To begin, the meaning of “do the work” changes. When I first quit drinking in September 2022, it meant not picking up a drink today. My “work” was to s...

January 26, 2023. That's the day my dad passed away. Twenty-eight days ago. Almost a month already. Jeesh. It's hard to believe. Even though we knew it was coming, it seems you can never fully prepare for the death of a loved one. Let alone a parent. My dad suffered from Alzheimers. He had been progressing further and further into the depths of this illness for nearly seven years. But it wasn't until he got sick with covid in August of 2021 that his health really began to decline. You see, up until then, my dad could still get around and mostly care for himself. I say that loosely because he still needed quite a bit of assistance, but not like he did after covid. To make a long story short, my dad was hospitalized twice while sick. I was the only one of my entire local family that wasn't sick, so the hospital kindly allowed me to stay with him. My dad's condition would not have understood, nor navigated, this week-long stay in the hospital by himself. And while it w...

Yep. Thats right. Run. As in lace up your trainers and hit the trails, the road, the treadmill, whatever. Just hit it. One foot in front of the other. One stride at a time. Just run. Several years ago, eight to be exact, I was living in Chicago. I had a really great job at a global advertising agency (even though at the time, I was much less appreciative), my own condo, and a solid yoga and running practice. I ran most mornings at 5am before going to work.And would end most evenings with a hot yoga practice and, ahem, a bottle of wine if the mood hit… But this story is more about running than drinking… so let’s get back on track. Overall, life was really good. My running was solid. Like super solid. At one point, I even ran an accidental half marathon (you read that correctly. An accidental 13.1 miles.) I was feeling strong. I could lace up my sneakers without any doubt that I couldn’t finish the run I set out to do. All in all, life was good. Fast forward to today… I’ve been laid off....

Aside from my drinking, I'm also a photographer, designer and a 500hr RYT. (I know... I was a highly functioning drinker!) I spent two months in India a few years ago. Sober the entire trip... until I sat at the airport in Delhi waiting for my return flight home. Funny how things can appear one way on the outside and feel so different on the inside. I used to be a smoker, too. A serious smoker. Like a pack a day, two if I was drinking. And now people look at me in shock when I tell them this. There is nothing about me that says, "this girl smoked." I eat well, stagger in and out of vegetarianism. And I work-out a lot. However, it seems like lately my practice has taken a back seat. Not to drinking, but to life. Which makes me sad. I always told my students, the hardest part is showing up. Ain't that the truth? So true, I'm not even showing up. Not for myself. And certainly not for others. I need to return to my mat. Because on my mat, I'm clear-headed and ...

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.” ~ Aldous Huxley, Island This is one of my favorite ...

“As long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again.” ~ Emily Acker So it's been a very, very, very long time since I was here. The reason, because I started to drink again. At first, it was a beer here and there. Maybe one a week. But before I knew it, the old habits crept back into my life (who are we kidding, they were never gone). And here I am, almost 3 years later... and still as much of a lush as I was back then. I look back at previous blog entries and I think, damn! I came so far. I was doing so good! WTF happened??? But there's no point in that. No point in looking back and being angry. All there is is now. Right here. Today. And, as Emily Acker puts it... "as long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again." And that's exactly what I plan to do. Start again.  Day 1.  It's three days past Thanksgiving. Funny, I think my very first post three years ago was just a few days past Thanksgiving a...

Yoga has been a part of my life for the past seven years. However, it wasn't until I moved back to Chicago two years ago that I really became committed to my practice. I found a studio, Core Power Yoga , that felt like home. The people. The practice. The heat :) After a year of consistent practice and noticing not only the physical changes in me, but more importantly, the spiritual changes and the mental clarity, I decided to pursue my 200-hr teaching certification. During this training, I learned about the 8-Limb Path in accordance with Ashtanga Yoga and the teachings of Patanjali . The 8 limbs begin with guidelines for interacting with others and finish with ultimate bliss and Self-realization.  They show us the path for gaining control of the mind and escaping constant mental clutter and emotional ups and downs.  The 8 limbs are yama (social discipline), niyama (individual discipline), asana (the physical practice we all think of as yoga), pranayama (breath control), ...

'tis the season for resolutions... so here I go. I've decided to quit drinking. For one year. Maybe more. But for now, one year. Quitting drinking is something I've thought a lot about over the past two, three ... five years. That little voice inside me that says " quit drinking ." Sometimes, it's just a whisper. Other times, it's a roaring scream. Every time, it's ignored. Until now. January 1, 2016. I'm 42 years old and I'm finally ready. More than ready, really. Excited!! For the first time, I'm not worried (or as worried) about what others will think or how I'll have to explain myself. As far as I'm concerned, I won't (for now). I'm simply not drinking. I'm kicking off a Sober 2016. I'm saying goodbye to beer, wine and all the yummy spirits that have graced my glassware over the years and I'm saying hello to sobriety! Hello to all the wonderful things to come. To eyes wide open and a mind clear from the h...