When All Else Fails, Run Like Hell



Yep. Thats right. Run. As in lace up your trainers and hit the trails, the road, the treadmill, whatever. Just hit it. One foot in front of the other. One stride at a time. Just run.


Several years ago, eight to be exact, I was living in Chicago. I had a really great job at a global advertising agency (even though at the time, I was much less appreciative), my own condo, and a solid yoga and running practice. I ran most mornings at 5am before going to work.And would end most evenings with a hot yoga practice and, ahem, a bottle of wine if the mood hit… But this story is more about running than drinking… so let’s get back on track. Overall, life was really good. My running was solid. Like super solid. At one point, I even ran an accidental half marathon (you read that correctly. An accidental 13.1 miles.) I was feeling strong. I could lace up my sneakers without any doubt that I couldn’t finish the run I set out to do. All in all, life was good.


Fast forward to today… I’ve been laid off. Sold my condo, moved back to Michigan, am working freelance, and quit running. And aside from drinking and yoga, running was the one thing that really made me feel alive. And I quit it.


You see, I always thought, “wow! Look what my body can do! Look how strong my body is to carry me for so many miles.” I can honestly say I LOVED RUNNING. And somewhere deep down inside this older and weaker body, I can still honestly say, I love running. Although it is now more of a whisper. You see, running is not at all like riding a bike. Once you get off that treadmill, you can’t just get back on. No. You do not pick up from where you left off. Instead, you pick up somewhere long before you ever even started to think about running. It’s hard. Super hard. But here’s the catch… I still love running. 


So here I am. In Michigan. Overweight and under-employed. Struggling to make ends meet. Struggling to make sense of life. Oh, did I mention that my father is dying? We’ll save that for another day, but yeah. I’m losing my dad. Watching him fade away to Alzheimers. And as if struggling for rent and gas money wasn’t enough, let’s throw in some serious heartbreak, too, shall we? So, yeah - my life is far from in order. In fact, if I’m being completely honest, my life feels like it is crumbling down around me. And it has felt this way for months. Dare I say, years. I know I’m not the only one suffering from hard times, but dang it. It feels like I’ve fallen through some secret trap door in the floor of my life. And there appears to be no bottom. Just an endless fall. Flailing as I go. Faster and faster falling into this pit of darkness, as I watch any glimpse of the light from above fade away. Nothing to hold onto. Nothing to stop me. Hoping I’ll hit bottom soon just so I can regroup. But the bottom never comes. Instead, I’m left reaching and grasping for anything to hold onto that will stop the fall. Anything that will help make sense of what’s happening. Anything that will help me see that light from above again. 
But nothing comes. 


So instead of wishing and hoping for something (or someone) to save me, I will lace up my trainers and run like hell. Running as much as my little, tired legs will carry me. And even though it may feel like I’m running in place, at least I feel alive again. I can feel the blood flow through my veins and flush my cheeks. My muscles begin to pulse and my heart pounds strong in my chest. My mind is quiet, my worries are still and I feel alive again. Yes, without a doubt, I am alive. And as long as I’m breathing and moving and able to run, I can find my way out of this trap door. I can pull myself up, step by step, run by run, towards the light above. 

Ps - today I am 79 days AF

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Go Ahead, Ask The Universe. I Dare You.

Image
Have you ever wanted something so much that it was all you could think about or talk about? I have. I wanted to be laid off so I could embark on my grandest adventure yet! I planned to sell all my belongings, buy a van, and hit the road—living the Vantastic Life!! That was my dream! But first, I needed to leave my job, which deep down terrified me. I had a great job. Well, by great, I mean it paid very, very well and had top-notch health insurance. It basically gave me everything I needed to live a stable, settled life. The only thing was, that's not what I wanted anymore. The job I dreamed of leaving was once the job I dreamed of having. And at first, it was everything I hoped for! But over time, I changed. I grew. I wanted more. But leaving on my own accord was just too terrifying. So instead, I left it up to the universe. Yep. I prayed, over and over, that the universe would lay me off. And, well... it did. On February 15, 2017, I was called to HR and let go. At first, I felt li...
Read more

Loss, Grief and Sobriety. A Powerful Combination.

January 26, 2023. That's the day my dad passed away. Twenty-eight days ago. Almost a month already. Jeesh. It's hard to believe. Even though we knew it was coming, it seems you can never fully prepare for the death of a loved one. Let alone a parent. My dad suffered from Alzheimers. He had been progressing further and further into the depths of this illness for nearly seven years. But it wasn't until he got sick with covid in August of 2021 that his health really began to decline. You see, up until then, my dad could still get around and mostly care for himself. I say that loosely because he still needed quite a bit of assistance, but not like he did after covid. To make a long story short, my dad was hospitalized twice while sick. I was the only one of my entire local family that wasn't sick, so the hospital kindly allowed me to stay with him. My dad's condition would not have understood, nor navigated, this week-long stay in the hospital by himself. And while it w...
Read more

Navigating the White-Knuckle Stage of Early Sobriety

Image
13 tips & tricks on navigating the white-knuckle stage of going alcohol free OK, so you’re in the first few days of going alcohol-free. The days where you feel like you’re hanging on, with all you got, just not to have a drink today. I like to call this my white-knuckle stage; because there were truly times I thought I was holding on for dear life! And perhaps I was, until I found these resources to help me pull through. Here are my personal Lucky 13 tips for navigating early sobriety:   PODCASTS! Yes… podcasts. I listened to more podcasts than I can count. A few of my daily favorites are: The Rich Roll Podcast  and Andrew Huberman has a great episode titled “What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain and Health. Epsisode 86 Definitely worth a listen!! I also really love sobriety podcasts, including Sober Shares and Keep Coming Back . For myself, it’s always comforting to hear the stories of others. Trust me… you’re not the only who’s done some crazy shit, woke up terrified...
Read more