Hello Sobriety

They say in the Bible (I think it’s in the Bible) - what’s done in the dark will be brought to the light .  And while my darkness of drinking was very cozy and happy in the privacy of my own home, that inner voice brought it to the light. Every time I went to the liquor store. Every time I poured a drink. Every. Single. Stinking. Time. “You should quit drinking.” That’s what it would say. Like a whisper in my ear. Over and over again. “You should quit drinking.” So I did. For a short while. But it was hard. Like really hard. Like white-knuckle hard. And after a few weeks, I drank again. And it was good. Really good.   But that voice never stops speaking until you listen. That voice kept whispering “you should quit drinking.” So again, I quit. And again, I drank. And I’d quit. And I’d drink. Back and forth like this for years… until recently. This time, I just quit. This time, there was no plan. There was no quit date set or some big farewell drink. I just stopped ...

Aside from my drinking, I'm also a photographer, designer and a 500hr RYT. (I know... I was a highly functioning drinker!) I spent two months in India a few years ago. Sober the entire trip... until I sat at the airport in Delhi waiting for my return flight home. Funny how things can appear one way on the outside and feel so different on the inside. I used to be a smoker, too. A serious smoker. Like a pack a day, two if I was drinking. And now people look at me in shock when I tell them this. There is nothing about me that says, "this girl smoked." I eat well, stagger in and out of vegetarianism. And I work-out a lot. However, it seems like lately my practice has taken a back seat. Not to drinking, but to life. Which makes me sad. I always told my students, the hardest part is showing up. Ain't that the truth? So true, I'm not even showing up. Not for myself. And certainly not for others. I need to return to my mat. Because on my mat, I'm clear-headed and ...

It took me a long time to realize that when someone lies to you, it’s not about you. Let me say that again… IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.   It’s not that they don’t love you. Or care about you. Or respect you. It’s not that they mean to hurt you. But rather they lie, to not hurt themselves. Everything one does to another, rarely has anything to do with the other person at all. But rather is a reflection of how they feel towards themselves. They lie because they can’t face their own truth. They cheat because they feel they are lacking. They dodge commitment because they fear failure. Now none of this is scientific, it’s just based on my own experiences. Because most of my life, shoot - all my life, I have dated men that have lied, cheated and betrayed me. For years and years I maintained this cycle. Man after man. Lies after lies. (Yep - that is intentionally plural because I never, ever walked away after the first lie. It usually takes years of lies before I realize it's time ...

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.” ~ Aldous Huxley, Island This is one of my favorite ...

“As long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again.” ~ Emily Acker So it's been a very, very, very long time since I was here. The reason, because I started to drink again. At first, it was a beer here and there. Maybe one a week. But before I knew it, the old habits crept back into my life (who are we kidding, they were never gone). And here I am, almost 3 years later... and still as much of a lush as I was back then. I look back at previous blog entries and I think, damn! I came so far. I was doing so good! WTF happened??? But there's no point in that. No point in looking back and being angry. All there is is now. Right here. Today. And, as Emily Acker puts it... "as long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again." And that's exactly what I plan to do. Start again.  Day 1.  It's three days past Thanksgiving. Funny, I think my very first post three years ago was just a few days past Thanksgiving a...

Man. 75 days! I can hardly believe it. It has gone by so fast. I remember the first time I tried to quit. It was for three months. What a different experience that was from this. Those three months were nail-biting, hour-counting kinda days. But man, this time around, it's different. Way different. This time around I hardly even think about drinking. And while I admit I counted for this post (kinda lucked out with the rather impressive, well-rounded number, huh?), I really haven't paid much attention to the days. Well, that's not true. I haven't counted the days. I have paid plenty attention to them, tho. Why? Because they are wonderful!! And no, I don't mean all unicorns and pixie dust... OK, maybe a little. But in a for reals, my life is better, kind of way. Wanna know how?? Here are all the lovely ways my life has changed/grown/improved in my first 75 days: 1. I wake up earlier and am clear headed. 2. I go to bed tired. Really tired. And I fall asleep fast. Withi...

As of today, I've been alcohol-free for forty-six days. (Woot! Woot!) And to be quite honest, it's been incredible!! I rarely, almost never, have the desire to drink. I even went on a date the other night where he ordered a glass of wine. I ordered tea. He offered me a sip to share how disappointing the wine was and I kindly declined. He gave me kudos for my self discipline, I proudly accepted the kudos... we have a second date... but I digress. Drinking Dreams!! So twice now I've dreamt of drinking. Both within a few days of each other. In the first dream I was drinking beer... which I hardly ever even drank in real life! The second was wine... a bit more accurate. I remember in both dreams being fully aware of my promise to sobriety. And I knew I was breaking that promise. I remember saying "it's okay. I can drink now and again. It's cool." I also remember an over-whelming sense of guilt the moment the alcohol passed my lips. A sudden sense of FUCK! Fu...