Hello Sobriety

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.” ~ Aldous Huxley, Island This is one of my favorite ...

“As long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again.” ~ Emily Acker So it's been a very, very, very long time since I was here. The reason, because I started to drink again. At first, it was a beer here and there. Maybe one a week. But before I knew it, the old habits crept back into my life (who are we kidding, they were never gone). And here I am, almost 3 years later... and still as much of a lush as I was back then. I look back at previous blog entries and I think, damn! I came so far. I was doing so good! WTF happened??? But there's no point in that. No point in looking back and being angry. All there is is now. Right here. Today. And, as Emily Acker puts it... "as long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again." And that's exactly what I plan to do. Start again.  Day 1.  It's three days past Thanksgiving. Funny, I think my very first post three years ago was just a few days past Thanksgiving a...

Man. 75 days! I can hardly believe it. It has gone by so fast. I remember the first time I tried to quit. It was for three months. What a different experience that was from this. Those three months were nail-biting, hour-counting kinda days. But man, this time around, it's different. Way different. This time around I hardly even think about drinking. And while I admit I counted for this post (kinda lucked out with the rather impressive, well-rounded number, huh?), I really haven't paid much attention to the days. Well, that's not true. I haven't counted the days. I have paid plenty attention to them, tho. Why? Because they are wonderful!! And no, I don't mean all unicorns and pixie dust... OK, maybe a little. But in a for reals, my life is better, kind of way. Wanna know how?? Here are all the lovely ways my life has changed/grown/improved in my first 75 days: 1. I wake up earlier and am clear headed. 2. I go to bed tired. Really tired. And I fall asleep fast. Withi...

As of today, I've been alcohol-free for forty-six days. (Woot! Woot!) And to be quite honest, it's been incredible!! I rarely, almost never, have the desire to drink. I even went on a date the other night where he ordered a glass of wine. I ordered tea. He offered me a sip to share how disappointing the wine was and I kindly declined. He gave me kudos for my self discipline, I proudly accepted the kudos... we have a second date... but I digress. Drinking Dreams!! So twice now I've dreamt of drinking. Both within a few days of each other. In the first dream I was drinking beer... which I hardly ever even drank in real life! The second was wine... a bit more accurate. I remember in both dreams being fully aware of my promise to sobriety. And I knew I was breaking that promise. I remember saying "it's okay. I can drink now and again. It's cool." I also remember an over-whelming sense of guilt the moment the alcohol passed my lips. A sudden sense of FUCK! Fu...

It's you D20, isn't it?? You're what's causing all these crazy emotions, aren't you?? The over-the-moon happiness as I sit on the couch, quickly followed by the uncontrollable stream of tears as I walk Bodhi. This is the emotional roller coaster of the first month of sobriety. I remember you well from a year ago. Same shit, different day, some might say. Here's how it went last time... rewind to October 2014 when I first embarked on a three-month sobriety stint. I was about two weeks in and struggling with absolute exhaustion. I couldn't keep my eyes open (turns out I had a severe iron deficiency... but that's another story for another day.) When I was able to keep my eyes open for more than a minute, I cried. All the time. In the shower. At the market. In the car. And for no apparent reason. I mean, anything and everything would send me off into a blubbering world of water-works. Eventually it passed and I made it through the introductory dark side, whe...

Ok, so let me begin by saying, I have never been a runner. Never. Not in high school. Not in college. Whenever anyone would ask about running, I was the girl that would snicker and say, "I only run when being chased." Well, not so much any more. Last year, I signed up to attend Wanderlust here in Chicago. Wanderlust is a national festival that moves from city to city and consists of a 5K (3.1 miles), an hour of yoga and wraps up with group meditation. Being the dedicated yogini that I am, I mostly signed up for the yoga and meditation, but figured what the heck. I'll give the 5k a whirl. So I invited a dear friend of mine to attend the event with me. I'll never forget the rainy, grey Chicago day. Not ideal for yoga in the grass. But I digress, first to the race. I remember telling my friend that I have no idea how this is going to go so if she wants to just take off, I'll meet her back at the finish line. (I should note that my friend is a trained athlete who comp...

 ... 27 bottles of WHAT??! That's right. OMG. 27 bottles of wine is what my little, tiny family went through over six days during the holidays. That's approximately 4.5 bottles per day or 1.125 bottles per person, per day. Either way, that's a shit ton of wine. No matter how you look at it. According to the CDC , a standard drink is equal to 14.0 grams (0.6 ounces) of pure alcohol. Which looks a bit like this:     • 12-ounces of beer (5% alcohol content)     • 8-ounces of malt liquor (7% alcohol content)     • 5-ounces of wine (12% alcohol content)     • 1.5-ounces or a “shot” of 80-proof (40% alcohol content) distilled spirits or liquor Now, to put this into wine perspective. One 750 mill bottle is equal to 25.3605 ounces. So if 5 ounces of wine is the daily allowance per person, that means each person in my family had approximately 28.53 ounces of wine per day. That's 5.7 times the CDC recommended a...